Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
