My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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