she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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