I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
