These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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