I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize