my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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