I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize