So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
