mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
