I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize