I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
