you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
