this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
