what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize