so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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