someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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