just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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