I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
