So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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