he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
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