Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
