remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize