Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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