he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
