Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
