haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
