she woke up with a sticky ear
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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