You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
My bed smells like the plague
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
