I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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