her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
