Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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