I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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