Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
