I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
