How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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