Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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