I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
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