I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
