I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
