I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
