A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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