So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
