Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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