I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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