good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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