while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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