I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
