omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
