There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
