I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
