Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
