i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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