haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
