nut hugger
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize