2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
