Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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