i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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