I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
