I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
